Learn it. Live it. Love it.

Playing off of my recent post on making unauthorized purchases and how this can have detrimental effects on one’s matrimonial bliss, reader Al sends a helpful tutorial. This is going on the refrigerator door alongside my yellowing and incomplete to-do list. (-50)

 

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she
dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing
something she expects to be automatic. Sorry, that’s the way the game
is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
you make the bed (+1)
you make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
you throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
you go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
but return with beer (-5)
you check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
you check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
you check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
you pummel it with iron rod (+10)
it’s her cat (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
you stay by her side the entire party (0)
you stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old
school friend (-2)
named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
you take her out to dinner (+2)
you take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+3)
okay, it’s a sports bar (-2)
and it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)
it’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and team colors are
painted somewhere on your body (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
you take her to a movie (+1)
you take her to a movie she likes (+3)
you take her to a movie you hate (+6)
you take her to a movie you like (-2)
it’s called Death Cop (-3)
you lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
you develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
you develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
you develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)
you say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
she asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5)
you hesitate in responding (-10)
you reply, “Where?” (-35)
any other response (-20) (yes, you lose points no matter what)

COMMUNICATION
when she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression (0)
you listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
you listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
she realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

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2 responses to “Learn it. Live it. Love it.

  1. Ah, bliss. Or your wife could do this:

    UPGRADE TO ISPOUSE 4.

    BY MICHELE STARKEY

    The Dave Plan

    Minutes: Unlimited nights and weekends.*

    Length of Contract: Lifetime contract, family plan available.

    Service: Full service plan, premium hardware, free identity protection, unlimited summer grilling, selection of ring tones.

    Cancellation Penalties: see Length of Contract.

    * Except during football season and March Madness.

    Via Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
    http://www.mcsweeneys.net/tendency/

  2. All I gotta say is you and your followers are making me appreciate my husband of 20 years more and more. That and he’s pretty lucky too considering he didn’t marry (at least THIS time) someone who’s high-maintenance.

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