If you won’t look before you leap…don’t blame me when there’s no water in the pond.

Yesterday I was admonished by my wife, again, for that which no man should ever again express shame or contrition. I am speaking of course of the single greatest indicator of the Neanderthal like nature of men, the leaving of the toilet lid in the up position. Somewhere, somehow, it has been determined that not only are we men responsible for lifting the lid prior to our use of the facilities, which is only fair, but that we are also to be held accountable for carefully preparing and staging the area in question for the next user. I can’t think of any other area in which women will so doggedly defend their right to behave as clueless bimbo’s, unwilling or unable to perform a task in reverse that we men accomplish reflexively in lifting the seat numerous times daily.

Try and imagine girls, the conclusions we men might reach if upon using an automobile women consistently and unanimously complained that after use of the car by the men in their lives, they just couldn’t figure out how to reach the gas and brake pedals upon inserting themselves in the driver’s seat. If rather than simply adjusting the seat and getting on with their day, they made a sport out of using this as an example of the basic mental inferiority and savagery of the human male. Feels good! Of course from our perspective we would be thinking, if the shiny buttons controlling the seat are too confusing for you, or if you are too scatter-brained to remember to check and adjust the seat position as necessary, why don’t you just say so and in the interests of chivalry toward such delicate blossoms we will gladly accommodate your lack of problem solving skills. I might add that the operation of a toilet seat, while quite a bit simpler to operate than the seat controls on your average automobile, still seems to elude the grasp of the supposedly superior female mind. Just sayin’.

I’ll make you a deal. If you women will embrace the concept of personal responsibility in this most basic area of what might be considered the most personal of your daily business, we men will stop thinking that maybe the 19th amendment to the US Constitution was a well intentioned mistake.

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50 responses to “If you won’t look before you leap…don’t blame me when there’s no water in the pond.

  1. I knew I could count on you to be reasonable Daphne! 😉

  2. Lucky me!

    I thought my prospects for a favorable review of this post were less than 50/50 when I hit publish.
    Course I haven’t heard from Jewel, Joan, Nicole, Rita….

    Pretty sure I can count on Gerard.

  3. Well, let’s see. If I sit in a car seat that is too far back, I normally don’t “fall in”, so your analogy fails. So when you do your #2 business, have you ever accidentally sat down when the seat is up? Until you “dip your stick” so to speak, you’ll never understand how “thrilling” that particular feat actually is. Speaking for the entire female population, when that happens, it takes every bit of self-preservation to not grab the bleach and give yourself a thorough scrubbing. Thankfully, I am not married to a neanderthal, so I can safely visit the water closet in the middle of the night without bothering to turn on the lights. Not that I’m calling you a neanderthal or anything, but I bet your wife calls you alot worse when she gets dunked.

    • Rita, I have never dunked myself, due to always taking notice of what I can’t see behind me. Now I know when I come into the bathroom whethter the seat is up or down and make a mental note. I might stop at the mirror and strut or something but by the time I get to the toilet I can lift up, or put down if #2, as required. Either you are saying you are too self absorbed to check on your way in or looking in the mirror too long and forget. Have you ever walked up to a copy machine and inserted you papers into the file shredder next to it? When you back out of your garage, do you just put it in R and step on it? I bet you know how to check your backside when you put on that little black dress. I put the seat down when I go to bed, as a convience to the peeing in the dark, but other than that, you’re on your own.

      • Dang. I shouldn’t have waited so long to reread these responses. Half A. You gave me a good laugh.

        First, although I’m fairly petite for 52, I have NEVER been one of those prissy ass girls that have to check themselves in the mirror everytime I walk past them. I brush my teeth, put on a little make-up and brush my hair, ONCE A DAY. I never got by on my looks and I don’t check out my backside in a dress because I’ve never really worried too much about it.

        It takes my husband about 3 times longer to get ready in the morning than it takes me. Maybe because he’s busy checking my backside, I’m too busy getting ready for work.

        Great comeback though, just completely off the mark.

  4. Your point is well taken Rita, but still…the relative consequences of seat down for me and seat up for you are irrelevant. In fact the more dire consequences in your case would seem to argue for extra diligence. A diligence we men seem to have no trouble applying consistently in lifting the seat, day or night, even though the consequences for not doing so are minor in comparison.

    I fear I am playing with fire here, but refer to the title of the post. Falling in due to a lack in awareness of your surroundings is not my problem. (I would normally insert a wrath diffusing emoticon of some sort here, but I’m trying to maintain my credibility for when the guys join in. Please….join in fella’s.)

  5. You’d think that the mere suggestion by a beautiful ex stripper from Texas that he sits down to pee would get Gerard’s interweb spidey senses tingling!

    I expect he’ll be along to back me up bye and bye.

  6. I stand. I don’t live with a man. And the water in the bowl is fresh, cold, and deep.

  7. “… and it wasn’t left up right before going to bed.”

    Oh splish, splash. Leaving the seat up in the night only increases the opportunity for a vast comic moment among those females too dim to turn on the light and check the landing strip before wafting down.

    Girls gotta man up.

  8. Geez, I didn’t know I was already getting a “reputation” around here. Not that I don’t deserve that reputation, just sayin’.

    Try this experiment, 1) Lift the seat. 2) Go dip all your manly parts deep inside that nasty wet bowl. 3) Come back and tell the ladies that it was no different than using a bidet. Note: I would suggest putting the bleach next to you first. 😀

  9. Ya know….. Men do use the seat occasionally (think #2). How many men do you know who have fallen in because the seat was left in an up position? I have never heard a single man complain about this. I wonder why that is.

  10. Men don’t complain because when they do fall in, they are the ones who made the mess around the rim of the bowl. 🙂

    I agree with Daphne. If you guys will improve your aim, I wouldn’t take even a slight potshot from here on out. I don’t insist that my baboo put the seat down. I figure we both use it, it’s a 50/50 proposition. However, that didn’t use to stop me from complaining when I fell in and got a ring around the butt of old urine in the bargain. After many years, we have trained each other and now I gingerly check to see if the seat is down, even in a half sleeping stupor. He lifts the seat, but still can’t manage to hit the target with precision, though, so I’m letting him slide a bit. 🙂

  11. Ooooh. The gender fight is ON! This is gonna be FUN.

    I can answer your question HangBob. That’s because you men think first with your manly parts, so you’d protect them at all costs.

    Vanderloin, I’ll concede the part of your argument that most women need to “man-up” as one of my biggest pet peeves is wimpy, whiny women. That being said, I doubt WSM’s wife sounds very wimpy or whiny when he leaves the seat up and she falls in. I would imagine she gives him holy hell. So he can avoid that unpleasant marital disagreement by LEARNING to put the seat down or he can just pee outside.

    And even when we DO look, we still cuss you out for leaving the seat up because then we have to look at that nasty spray you like to leave behind.

  12. My gal and I don’t share. She’s got her commode and I’ve got mine. I recommend this.

    Although it has left me at a disadvantage as I try to figure this out. Okay, the gals want the seat down so they can answer the call in the middle of the night without turning the light on. If we leave the seat down, they’re still pissed at us (har!) because we have lousy aim…I don’t get it. If the seat is up, then at least they’re assured we didn’t spray, right?

    Besides of which, has it not occurred to any among the fairer sex that if we’re missing, maybe it’s because we didn’t turn the light on when we should? And if we should turn on the light, how come it’s such a sacrosanct privilege of theirs to leave the light off? There’s not such a significant gender difference in the way pupils dilate.

    It seems no matter how you slice the problem, it comes back to what Mark said. Show me a woman who complains and I’ll show you a powerful argument against suffrage. Not saying I’m against it…just that it’s a powerful argument, is all.If the seat lid is beyond your powers of technological conquest, then what isn’t?

    More on the same subject here. Ought to provide some inexpensive Friday entertainment. Happy weekend everybody!

  13. I went to answer nature’s call this weekend, at 3:30 a.m., camping in the woods with my son. This is camping, not hiking. There’s an outhouse. An old-fashioned, built-over-a-hole outhouse. With a sign inside saying “please close the lid when you’re done.”

    Which some jackass did not do.

    Oh my dear God…I ’bout keeled over from the fumes when I was still a good 30 feet away. Did I mention the two easiest and most popular camping meals are running scrambled eggs and medium-rare steak? Nitrogen content high, intestines gurgling…

    You’re back at home, and the Lord of the Manor failed to properly reset things? With your sensibly balanced family diets, and your nice, sanity, sweet-smelling disinfected and perfumed running water? Ladies, you’ve got nuthin’ to complain about.

  14. hee hee.. . love the post, love the comments.

    I learned at a very early age to always check the position of the seat first. I was about 5 and did a backwards swan drive into the bowel during a nighttime sleepy pee much to my mothers grant amusement (see saw the whole thing and let it happen) . I was about 4 or 5 I think. Never again.

    It’s not hard.

  15. Any woman who suggests that it is a matter of aim does not understand the physiology of the male member. It is not a matter of aim, it is a matter of ballistics. A lack of rifling in the barrel of the gun so to speak. Even for those lucky few like Gerard and myself whose unit hangs well below the rim of the bowl while vacating, none of us know which way it is going to spray when the valve is opened. I think that Morgan has come up with the only workable solution, that of segregation. Separate but equal until women display the necessary acumen and maturity to accept their responsibilities in the safe and sane operation of the toilet bowl lid.

  16. Ha! Well then, a woman will just tell you to sit down then, and then aim will not be a problem, right?

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  20. Totally hilarious — the post and the follow up comments.

    I think man’s bigger challenge is finding things in the refrigerator, but that’s just at my house.

    🙂

  21. It’s not just in the refrigerator Harriet.

    I can’t say if this applies to all men, but I seem to have developed a blind spot that is specific to whatever I happen to be looking for. Doesn’t matter how big or small, what shape it is, what color. If I need it, I can’t see it.

  22. Uh oh. That’s a threatjack but it’s a tempting one, and I’ll bite.

    Now I’m in my mid-forties I find myself saying something a lot that I wasn’t saying a decade before:

    “The goddamn thing was in my way when I was looking for something else, now where is it?”

    We have a gremlin in our house who’s responsible for moving things around, when she didn’t touch it, I didn’t touch it, and the kid isn’t here. It’s like those invisible-gremlins from Family Circus. We call him the “unburglar.” He was named, charitably, when I noticed she’d bought a gallon of milk that I didn’t buy, and she was sure I bought it because she didn’t buy it. We concluded we had been un-burgled. Much more often, though, the unburglar goes the other way…moving things we think should have been where we were looking for them.

  23. That’s funny stuff Morgan.

    I worked on a construction job years ago in the desert eastern half of our state that like most, had one of those plastic portable outhouses on site. By early afternoon with the temperature nearing a hundred, even the grizzled veterans of many a foul work site commode would approach that thing with the seriousness and grim determination of workers tasked with cleaning up after a nuclear accident.

    Let’s see our dainty ladies lock themselves in a steaming hot, phone booth sized cubicle perched over the pungent remnants of many a roach coach lunch washing over every sensory organ, and then complain about getting their cheeks a bit wet when they neglect to perform their pre-flight checklist.

  24. In response to the “spray” issue, it is a matter of ballistics as mentioned, also ‘splatter’. When urine hits the water from 2.5 feet up (I am tall and short if ya know what I mean) it splatters waters and urine around, hits the seat and then the porcelain rim. Likewise, the urethra on a guy tends to ‘stick shut’ slightly at times causing an uneven opening and resultant unexpected direction of discharge, this is a result of sexual activity or nocturnal erection with the resultant small discharge of pre-ejaculatory fluid being deposited at the opening of the urethra while we sleep.
    As for the “I am still half asleep and cannot verify my surroundings when I pee at night” argument, as a retired Navy submarine sailor, you girls have it easy. On a submarine we pressurize the toilets to sea pressure +5PSi, which depending on depth can be quite extreme, but never less than 30PSi. Imagine standing in front of a commode and opening the valve to flush it and being blasted with a chunky mixture of human waste, salt water, urine, and toilet tissue with enough force to lodge beneath your eylids, as well as through your nasal cavity into the back of your throat. Needless to say the anti-biotics are not pleasant either, and the resulting cleanup is also disgusting. Seeing this happen only once will lend a whole new insight into the advice to be aware of your surroundings before doing your business. (I shall NOT discuss what happened to the guy who tried doing a ‘mercy flush’ once while the sanitaries were being blown…)

  25. All you men have me convinced I married a transvestite.

  26. I’m a 51 year old male. I enjoyed reading this thread as the differing points of view are enlightening and, at times, humorous. I’d like to delve into this issue a little.

    First, Regarding a mans aim. Even if a man has perfect aim the pressure of delivery is such that whether he aims at the curved side of the bowl or at the center of the water, there will be splashing. The distance of this splashing is directly proportional to the pressure of deliver which is influenced by several factors. Most obvious is what the liquid began as and how long the man has waited for delivery. This is true of all men. Therefore the aim issue is nearly negated as to the reason that the rim is urine soaked. I say nearly because if the operator of the delivery hose doesn’t skin it back completely the orifice may be occluded act more like the nozzle on a fire hose which peppers a large area.

    Second, A few years ago there was a study done that found when a commode is flushed the micro-spray caused by the swirling water can travel much farther than your toothbrush is away from it. That, in my opinion, means that everyone should CLOSE THE LID BEFORE YOU FLUSH.
    This may seem radical to you but it really is a health issue. It also solves the problem of up or down because it must be down to close the lid.

    Third, Since men cannot deliver the product without some overspray I believe it is the mans responsibility to, at least once a week, take a wad of toilet paper and wipe the rim before you flush. You’re going to wash your hands anyway and you can flush the wad.

  27. Ya know….. Men do use the seat occasionally (think #2). How many men do you know who have fallen in because the seat was left in an up position? I have never heard a single man complain about this. I wonder why that is.

    Because when I always check to see if the seat is down BEFORE I sit down in the dark. I’m 48 now and, since I’ve stopped wearing diapers, I have not once-as in never- fallen into the toilet in the middle of the night when I was forced to sit. And I never cut the freaking light on.

    This argument has always pissed me off. The toilet seat works two ways. Learn to work it both ways.

  28. The proper position for a seat is up. This allows one to see the cleanliness of the rim and bowl, and underside of the seat. If the seat is needed, the user puts it down before sitting, and raises it after use. It is illogical, and wasteful of energy, therefore contributing to CO2 emissions, for someone not using the seat to bend, raise it, and lower it again without need.

  29. Agreed about the microspray – which is why I ALWAYS close the lid — and why our toothbrushes (actually, TEETH-brushes – we ain’t in West-by-G*D-Virginia) live in the medicine-cabinet.

    That said, I find it TREMENDOUSLY entertaining to leave the seat up when I need revenge for some slight. NEVER fails, and that is a GOOD THING!

    ROFL!

  30. I am unashamed to admit that I sit as often as not when in my personal space. Sleepy in the night or groggy in the morning it’s far easier to just sit down and relax. Then there is the convenience of not starting one way and discovering somewhere down the line that a sit is required. You can’t just stop the proceedings and sit. There is a whole lot of plumbing to be drained first. Pissing while standing is convenient and, of course, something most women cannot do, but that’s not reason to make a fetish out of it. One side effect of the habit of a midnight sit to piss is that I tend to leave the seat down. If you somnabulate in and sit down with the seat up, I guarantee you will wake up quick. You’ll only do it once and then will appreciate the women’s point of view.

  31. Ladies, we now have the tool to man up!

  32. This is at the root of the entire feminist movement. The envy based desire to have the ability to pee on a tree in the woods while standing.

  33. Well, be gladsome an rejoice that you ain’t Swedish. The women rule the roost and the men have to squat…and the papers keep quiet about the culturally enriched rapes of Swedish women by all the guest workers.

  34. I have been married for 16 years. In all that time,I have never once felt the need to admonish my husband to put the seat down. This is not because I am married to a feminist who always grants my every whim. It is because long ago (before I got married) , I was so repulsed and disgusted by a nocturnal dip in the bowl, that I resolved to check every time and make sure the seat is down. Sure has saved a lot of arguments.

  35. I have to ‘fess up this has changed my perspective. Before you opened the can of worms, I’d have said some eight-in-ten, perhaps nine-in-ten, ladies tossed themselves back in blind faith in the middle of the night and raised holy hell if they didn’t find what they expected to. Now, going by the comments left at your place and at mine, it seems to me it’s more like five-in-ten. That is still awfully high. I still maintain if men were of the sort who had to sit for all these tasks of personal catharsis, our ratio would be close to zero.

    But I am encouraged by how many females take responsibility for the cursory visual or tactile inspection prior to the squat…”take it like a man,” as Dr. Laura would say. This seems to be one of many issues in which the ladies, generally, are quite reasonable, but it’s the few who are ready and willing to start arguments who manage to speak for all the rest.

    Nevertheless, I shall continue to put my own seat down. Even though it’s mine, and my fiance has her own.

  36. “Nevertheless, I shall continue to put my own seat down.” Exactly right. As my mother drilled the returning of the seat to the down position as a near instinct in me, it is essentially a costless tactical defeat in the overall strategic battle between the sexes. Other than a little good humored kvetching now and then, a wise general will keep his resources marshaled
    for the larger goal of gaining “Hand” as Seinfeld smartly put it.

  37. Great little post.
    I’ve never understood the “overspray” thing, though. I’ve always made a point of cleaning up any splashes on the rim or floor or wherever. It’s called civilization.
    Hell, I even clean up (carefully, mind you!) splashes ’round other folks’ bogs for fear the next user thinks I’m the damned savage.
    And the only way I’d sit to pee would be if I was asked nicely by Scarlet Johannsen. Maybe.

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