The Ideal Republican Candidate

The Republican Party seems to be having a bit of difficulty, trapped in a certain malaise if you will, in deciding on a presidential candidate who while adhering to principles, can also be viewed by uninformed and dim-witted independent voters as not too controversial or “extreme”. As of course controversial or extreme policies are precisely what we DO NOT want when dealing with little problems that can be easily and bi-partisanly addressed. In the interests of helping out and being a good citizen, I am willing to solve this dilemma through a process of reverse elimination which I believe will leave us a candidate for the upcoming elections that not only will please the most conservative redneck NASCAR types, common folk tea-partiers, and those independents who merely are looking to hitch their wagons to someone who manages to stay in the lime light way past their “use by” date simply by refusing to shut the hell up, but will also appeal to the majority of progressives whose short attention spans show that they can be easily manipulated into voting for nearly anyone. Even the Frum and Brooks class of Republican who view conservative political philosophy as some great intellectual struggle between the well bred and properly credentialed individual and…whoever the hell the rest of those people out there are, might support this candidate. Ready? Let’s get started!

First, the Republican candidate won’t be a woman. This will probably piss off a significant portion of my readers but women just don’t have the necessary…”necessities” for the position, to quote that other great force of nuanced rhetoric Al Campanis. The only two viable women seeking the job are Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann, and everyone knows that they are Constitutionally prohibited from running as they are the same person.

As Donald Trumps brief run before flaming out, and the general lack of enthusiasm for Mitt Romney demonstrate, the candidate can not have remarkable hair. Whether in the style of The Donald’s ozone depleting comb around, or Mitt’s chiseled hairline which would be indistinguishable from his jaw line were you to invert his head, a Presidential hair-do should reflect modesty and a humble nature. Keep it simple stupid. When that phone rings at 3:00 AM, no one wants to be put on hold while the President has the finishing touches put on his up-do.

People with too much money and overly extravagant habits are also non-starters. Again Trump, who has a disturbing tendency to gild and then name after himself everything he comes into contact with, along with Newt Gingrich and his serial marriages to examples of fine taxidermy with expensive taste in jewelry, conspicuous consumption while preaching sacrifice will not be a winning combination in the months and years to come. A simple man of the people, a man who prefers wool sweaters to silk suits may strike a more sympathetic chord.

Unfortunately, minorities and the religious right are out as well. As much as I admire guys like Herman Cain and Alan West, any attempt by Republicans to nominate a minority will be presented by the media as over compensation for the media driven charge that all conservatives are racist. Bad luck there. Should a seen that one coming. As for the religious right? One need only watch and listen to Mike Huckabee play the bass in his “band” to understand that he just isn’t up for a job that requires copious amounts of discipline and imagination.

Alright. That about does it. We are looking for a white male of simple tastes, a man of the south perhaps. Not rich but maybe a small business owner. Someone who has run something and has a knack for connecting humbly with his fellow Americans. Perhaps a man who has served his country in one capacity or another. Someone known by the NASCAR demographic, with the necessary gravitas and faux common touch to entice weak minded independents and RINO’s alike, and someone attractive to progressives or paleo-cons in legitimizing their vaguely anti-semitic views.

I bring you….The Ideal Republican Candidate.

Jimmy Carter!

Please…no need to thank me. Hell… he’s bound to do a better job than the current occupant of the office.


5 responses to “The Ideal Republican Candidate

  1. I was hoping that Carter along with a select group of televangelists and former and present politicians might have been vacuumed off of the planet during yesterday’s Rapture and forced to spend eternity in remedial Christianity courses taught by the Man Himself.

    Or at the very least abducted and probed by aliens.

  2. Damn those un-dead.
    Is that redundant?

  3. altered states

    Well played, sir. I read right to the end and then laughed out loud when I the picture of that booger-eater.

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