I’m looking for some venture capital…

With everyone panicking over the immense media generated cloud of toxic radiation heading inexorably toward the west coast of the US, I will remain calm amid the plethora of Iodine speculators and lead suit haberdashers. The secret to making fortunes is to be first, and the eBay and drugstore entrepreneurs hawking these items are many. There is opportunity abundant when all about you are losing their heads (and hair).

First Up: My personal line of Marv Albert inspired men’s hairpieces. Marv has a well earned reputation as a ladies man and his manly head of hair is no small contributor to his animal magnetism. I purchased these “real hair” rugs on the cheap from a boarded up taxidermy shop in Sitka, Alaska where they had been used for various “small projects” such as “little Billy’s first kill”, an adult bull Rock Marmot that billy bravely dispatched with his fathers nine iron when he discovered the dangerous beast scavenging through the family Coleman cooler on a summer camping trip. At $19.99 each (including a free vial of a secret formula female attracting pheromone acquired from the same taxidermy shop), there is much profit potential for you, the investor. When all about are as bald as a “Giant Mutant Ant” egg, you the customer will be scoring tail like a washed up NCAA color man.

Next Up: The “Giant Mutant Ant Farm” Kit. The kit includes six genuine, guaranteed to hatch “Giant Mutant Ant” eggs, all necessary scaffolding for construction, 300 cubic yards of sanitized pea gravel, and 24 industrial sized plexiglas panels for your viewing pleasure when your “Giant Mutant Ants” ambush and devour the occasional trespasser in your new post apocalyptic world. Hours of fun! A real kid pleaser…as long as you keep them well clear of the entrance to the hive…er..farm.

Finally: A post nuclear aqua-culture and shellfish operation that is  a sure money maker. The Chinese pay big per pound for these babies and for obvious reasons! The aphrodisiac qualities of these irradiated clams are apparent. By purchasing them small and selling once the mutant cloud has done its dirty deed, the profit column in your investment ledger will be longer than Secretariats cock Belmont margin of victory!

For these and other ideas on how you can make hefty profits by whipping up unreasoned fear and baseless panic in your hapless and bovine customer base,  please contact S. Smith @ Fox News Corp. BR-549.


5 responses to “I’m looking for some venture capital…

  1. I like the giant ant farm idea. 🙂 And that marmot is a handsome critter indeed. I’d say “cute” but somehow he looks like he has more gravitas than that.

  2. Marmots are just rats without tails that live in the mountains. Funny with rodents how the cuteness factor is merely the luck of the draw regarding what kind of a tail you were born with. No tailed marmot…handsome. Fluffy tailed squirrel…hand fed. Smooth tailed rat…hand me the gun.
    Life’s not fair is it.

  3. You are right – it does all come down to tails.

    Are there recipes for mountain rats (marmots) like there are for swamp rats (nutria)?

  4. Only Cajuns eat rats. We nawtherners don’t eat rodents. Lutefisk on the other hand, is good eatin’.

  5. Lutefisk!!!! Are you kiddin’ me? I thought that shit was illegal outside the borders of Minnesota.

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