Ten steps to a messy divorce.

Worst relationship advice evar!

I came across this relationship advice from the normally sensible Dr. Melissa Clouthier via Maggies Farm and I must say, this is great advice only for those who wish their marriages to be very short in duration.

Let’s go over these point by point shall we?

Blast From The Past: 10 Ways To Keep Your Relationship Smokin’ Hot

April 2, 2010 / 12:16 am • By Dr. Melissa Clouthier Relationships are difficult. I’m here to help. Here’s some words of wisdom to keep your relationship from turning dull and boring:

1. Keep the mystery alive–Too many people reveal too much too often. Why share where you’re going or what you’re doing or who you’re with. A little doubt keeps things spicy.

Mystery is fine and all but as in most things, moderation is key. If my wife casually asked where I was going as I headed for the door on a Saturday evening all dressed up and smelling fine and I told her “none of your god damn business”, things would probably get very spicy in short order, but not in a good way.

2. Call rarely–It’s so annoying to have your work interrupted by mindless blather about nothing. One of the biggest myths is that your significant other actually cares what you’re thinking about when you’re chomping your food on your lunch hour. Newsflash! No one cares.

Perhaps the good Doctor doesn’t give a rip but my wife actually enjoys it when I call her out of the blue on occasion just to say “Hi, I was thinking about you”. I may or may not be chomping on my food at the time. In my case it would be irrelevant to the conversation.

3. Retreat from conflict–People often deal with conflict by trying to resolve it and talk it out. This can be a big mistake. Most likely, the things you fight about today are the things you’re going to fight about forever. Don’t resolve it. Accept it. Stay away for as long as possible. The other person will eventually get tired of being angry.

That’s the ticket. If something is bothering you about your significant other, keep it bottled up and head for Vegas with the guys for a few days. Things should be fine upon your return. And if she asks where you’ve been when while doing your laundry she finds a pack of rubbers and a pocketful of “preferred customer” tokens to the “Bunny Ranch”, refer to #1 above.

4. Don’t expect your spouse to meet your sexual needs–You should know that the best sex of your life happened before you got married or moved in together. You didn’t get married for sex. You got married for companionship, bill-sharing and maybe having a kid or two. Having sexual expectations is just setting yourself up for disappointment. Let it go.

If you’re getting married for companionship, might I suggest a much simpler and potentially less costly alternative like joining the Elks Club or something. I mean c’mon! I wouldn’t remotely consider marriage unless the sex blew the socks right off of my feet. Which it still does by the way after fifteen years. I guess I’m just shallow that way.

5. Spend time cultivating interests that don’t include your spouse–One of the biggest problems in marriages is that people think they should do stuff together. Why? If you like golf, and your wife hates it, well, she’ll just have to get over it and understand that golf makes you happy. If she likes shopping, she needs to do it when it’s convenient for her. Her man will understand. Togetherness is overrated.

“Togetherness is overrated.” Kind of blows that whole companionship thing out of the water. Maybe the Doc should just get a dog. If she is like other Doctor’s I’ve met, she won’t share her canines hobby of licking themselves where the sun doesn’t shine and then consuming the entire contents of the litter box. She’ll be better able in this way to avoid that whole “doing stuff together” thing.

6. Don’t change–Be you. Until you’re your true, unchecked self, you can’t really be free. Trying to get rid of annoying habits or irritating traits is just energy wasted. A true partner will love you no matter what.

If I was my “true and unchecked self” I would spend the majority of my time naked (excepting my beloved “Chuck Taylor” Hightops) in a hot tub with four or five women of morally casual attitude, consuming copious amounts of tequilla and southern fried foods. I have yet to find a partner who will love this sort of behavior “no matter what” but I am still relatively young and forever optimistic.

7. Don’t apologize–True love means never having to say you’re sorry. Why should anyone expect an apology? You’re doing the best you can with what you’ve got and if the person doesn’t understand it, they have the limited world-view, not you. Saying you’re sorry is for sissies. Men are emasculated enough. Women cow-tow to men too often. Stop apologizing!

The Doctor is right on here. Stop cow-towing and emasculating me. I’ll see you when I get back from Vegas. If that is in fact where I am going. That’s for me to know and for you to find out.

8. Don’t give tokens of affection–Materialism in all its guises is just manipulation. Don’t do it. A person who needs concrete proof of love is superficial and not worth your time anyway. True love doesn’t need to be spoken or given or shared. Rings are just that–symbolic. Who needs symbols? The real thing is just understood.

This is wise advice indeed. A simple “Today is your birthday!? The least you could have done was given me a heads up so I could have made you a card out of dried macaroni or something.” will suffice. It’s a well known fact that chicks hate jewelry and stuff.

9. Ignore special dates–Again, this is just a manifestation of artificial constraints imposed by society. Every day is special! Why focus on birthdays or anniversaries? They are days like any other and it’s ridiculous that people have expectations of gifts or kindness on those days.

Try forgetting or ignoring an anniversary and see how that works out for you. I did thirteen years ago and am reminded bitterly of it on a regular basis. “Happy anniversary honey! It’s been 676 weeks since you so thoughtlessly failed to celebrate the day of our wedding. But you know, who’s counting”.

10. Stop saying “I love you”–The words become vain and meaningless after a while. True love doesn’t need constant reinforcement. True love just “knows”. If your partner needs to hear the words, well, that’s just too demanding. Who needs demanding in an intimate relationship? Forget it and move on.  Some of these pieces of advice might seem unconventional, but really, relationships are cracking under the pressure of inane expectations. People want too much, expect too much and just generally put too much faith in other human beings. There is no perfect partner out there. You can’t be the perfect partner. Why try? Just be yourself and the person right for you will find you and love you just the way you are. That’s true love and the world needs more of it.

Now we’re talking! When your partner says “I love you”, just mutter under your breath “uh…yeah…whatever” and marital bliss will surely be yours ’till death do you part! I’m going to try that “nobody’s perfect, I’m just being myself” line next time my wife comes home from work to a filthy house with me and my drinking buddies clearing out the fridge and liquor cabinet.

Apparently, Dr. Clouthier is a chiropractor. It is my fervent hope that the good Doctor sticks to cracking backs and not enter the field of marriage counseling.

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6 responses to “Ten steps to a messy divorce.

  1. Mornin’ Daphne!
    It would be interesting to know if the Doctor follows her own advice and how it is working for her if so.

  2. The post was dated April 2nd so I assume it wasn’t an April fools gag. Poor girl.

    Didn’t manage to break my fingers but I’m awful sore. Skied black diamonds like a guy half my age for four days and only fell once, but it was a doozie. An egg beater we used to call it. My gear was spread over half of Idaho when I skidded to a halt.

    Hope you and yours are doing fine as well kiddo.

  3. Just before I hit the post button I was thinking, “this has got to be a gag”.
    I treat my dogs better than the Doc suggests treating her partner.

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